Sometimes you don't know what you need
So, I have a confession to make.
Last night we attended a "grief counseling" session at one of the associate pastors of our Generation Church Family's home. (In conjunction with the departure of Little Chris -- a bit of background to this, in preparation for the funeral and for the week and a bit after now, I have been feeling pretty down, but also (post funeral) pretty unemotional, and "empty". When worshipping and preparing I just feel automatic, and not completely dialed in, which was and is really starting to get to me, it's felt like a heaviness I cannot shake, but I figured it was normal, and on with everyday I went ... anyways, back to the blog)
When I had first found out about it I was completely apprehensive, and didn't want to go. In fact I went so far as to voice to Jay that the person who should really be getting the counseling was the family, and prob. the church body, core people who had been with the plant from the begining. Afterall, they would be the ones who are really hurting, and really connected with the situation. Our situation, since we came on later and have not been as connected to everyone in the plant as the founding people are, has been different, since I've felt sort of at a distant to things.
To add to it, I was super unclear about what exactly was going to entail the session, I was sort of under the impression that they were going to help us, the "church leaders" (still don't like using that word) to communicate and better facilitate healing through our body, which is a great cause, which is why I decided to go.
Boy, I was wrong -- I didn't know what I needed.
There was a small gathering at the house, which in hindsight I thought was pretty unfortunate because I think so many from our church could have benefit from it -- Myself and only three others (including Jay made for only two others). And two therapists, two girls who looked about as old as me. They just started asking us questions and listened ... and when my turn came to talk, I voiced some feelings (good start) and then one of them asked me the bomb question.
She was the older one, with blond short hair that hung to her shoulders and kind, wise eyes. She looked at me and asked "How has it been for you leading worship through this?"
I had thought for just a moment and then blurted out (to my surprise and also strange relief) "It's been really hard..." and then proceeded to pour out a whole bunch of other stuff (and tears -- which had been absent the last little bit too) which I don't really remember. But when it was all said and done I realized that I really needed that. I haven't been able to voice exactly how I've been feeling through all of this, to people who could really understand without have a biased opinion. It was pretty freeing, and draining but good. Today I feel more mellow, at peace, quiet and sometimes teary (which is TOTALLY normal, so they say)
On our drive home I laughed to Jay that it was funny how, out of everyone, I thought I needed this the least, when it was exactly what I needed, to help process the feelings of all the situation that we've been a part of the last little bit.
----
To add to all of this which is our life, Jay bought (well, I guess we both did) a Harley Davidson on Friday. I'm not thrilled about it. If God wanted me to pray more for my husband I wish he would have used something less expensive (haha). But this is what it is. I will post some pics soon ... and too top it all, freelance is blowing up with Canada Day and the county Fall Guide and inbetween all of this, I need to start to sing the tracks for our upcoming album (!!), so I will be a VERY busy bee the next little bit. But I can do all things through God who strengthens me ... and I'm so glad that through my pride and insecurities He knows what is best for me =)
Till Next Blog ~ love .a.
Last night we attended a "grief counseling" session at one of the associate pastors of our Generation Church Family's home. (In conjunction with the departure of Little Chris -- a bit of background to this, in preparation for the funeral and for the week and a bit after now, I have been feeling pretty down, but also (post funeral) pretty unemotional, and "empty". When worshipping and preparing I just feel automatic, and not completely dialed in, which was and is really starting to get to me, it's felt like a heaviness I cannot shake, but I figured it was normal, and on with everyday I went ... anyways, back to the blog)
When I had first found out about it I was completely apprehensive, and didn't want to go. In fact I went so far as to voice to Jay that the person who should really be getting the counseling was the family, and prob. the church body, core people who had been with the plant from the begining. Afterall, they would be the ones who are really hurting, and really connected with the situation. Our situation, since we came on later and have not been as connected to everyone in the plant as the founding people are, has been different, since I've felt sort of at a distant to things.
To add to it, I was super unclear about what exactly was going to entail the session, I was sort of under the impression that they were going to help us, the "church leaders" (still don't like using that word) to communicate and better facilitate healing through our body, which is a great cause, which is why I decided to go.
Boy, I was wrong -- I didn't know what I needed.
There was a small gathering at the house, which in hindsight I thought was pretty unfortunate because I think so many from our church could have benefit from it -- Myself and only three others (including Jay made for only two others). And two therapists, two girls who looked about as old as me. They just started asking us questions and listened ... and when my turn came to talk, I voiced some feelings (good start) and then one of them asked me the bomb question.
She was the older one, with blond short hair that hung to her shoulders and kind, wise eyes. She looked at me and asked "How has it been for you leading worship through this?"
I had thought for just a moment and then blurted out (to my surprise and also strange relief) "It's been really hard..." and then proceeded to pour out a whole bunch of other stuff (and tears -- which had been absent the last little bit too) which I don't really remember. But when it was all said and done I realized that I really needed that. I haven't been able to voice exactly how I've been feeling through all of this, to people who could really understand without have a biased opinion. It was pretty freeing, and draining but good. Today I feel more mellow, at peace, quiet and sometimes teary (which is TOTALLY normal, so they say)
On our drive home I laughed to Jay that it was funny how, out of everyone, I thought I needed this the least, when it was exactly what I needed, to help process the feelings of all the situation that we've been a part of the last little bit.
----
To add to all of this which is our life, Jay bought (well, I guess we both did) a Harley Davidson on Friday. I'm not thrilled about it. If God wanted me to pray more for my husband I wish he would have used something less expensive (haha). But this is what it is. I will post some pics soon ... and too top it all, freelance is blowing up with Canada Day and the county Fall Guide and inbetween all of this, I need to start to sing the tracks for our upcoming album (!!), so I will be a VERY busy bee the next little bit. But I can do all things through God who strengthens me ... and I'm so glad that through my pride and insecurities He knows what is best for me =)
Till Next Blog ~ love .a.
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