Crashing California

This is such a very strange place to be in. It's like someone who was dead is alive. As I still process all the emotion and reality, there is a brand new normal to my life.  I connected with my dad on this last Thursday, through emails at first, then chatting online, and finally, our first phone conversation, yesterday afternoon. We talk of "the Father's Love" from our Heavenly Father. I guess we have always compared it because a Father's Love is spectacular and deeply special. I know that a mother's Love is special too, close, soft and emotional, gentle and wise. But a Fathers' Love, his REAL Love is a warrior spirit. A deep strength that can reach into your soul and make you melt at his mention of "I love you". Before I became Christian I had a Father shaped hole in my heart (among MANY other things). So when I did accept, Jesus, God the FATHER filled me with a special, intimate peace, and I was safe there. I never dreamed I would fin...

There has been a lot of emotion for me the last couple days ~ it's hard to describe to someone who doesn't understand. After finding out that my dad that I've never known, is alive and has been looking for me, and after being found by a half sister -- worlds just are not the same.  The very person who's lack of presence has had a mighty hand in shaping the person that I am, is now is this strange half-shadow that is almost within reach, but still not accessible. My heart wants to scream sometimes (a messy mixture of fear, frustration and joy) but I know that I need to give him the space that he needs.  It's all so very messy this life, this love.  God has been the only father's love I have known -- but as I believe that God is creating great healing and restoration to my dad's soul and mine as well. I described this way to a good friend of mine: It's like your life is this little house, with all these windows letting in light, and you know these w...

Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid ~ and it is so true that the power of life and death is in the tongue.  Once you open your mouth and utter words, or open something it can be somewhat like Pandora's Box. I do feel that situation in full force today.  At last I blogged everything was fresh, and I still very much is, but here are the developments from the weekend.  I had sent off an email to Emma (half sister) on Friday, saying that I was still in shock, but very deeply (though somewhat frightened still) want to connect with Phillip (Dad). I told her a bit about myself and gave her the link to our band page ~ and told her if it breaks the ice a little then she could show him that. All Saturday I waited for a response which ended up coming on Sunday morning. (I spent Saturday in a haze of emotion and surprisingly anger -- which I realized after talking w/ God and Jay, comes from the fact that my little life has been rattled rather largely and there is no g...

Ok, so, this is the craziest blog entry to date ~ I don't even know how I should state this, or how to say it, I am still digesting (word of the week) what has happened in the last 12 hrs. So I will just go out on this limb... Last night I found my dad. Well, in technical terms, his daughter found me. On facebook, she emailed me last night the following: "Hello, my name is Emma. We've never met, and judging from the distance between us, that possibility isn't all that likely. However, I wanted to introduce myself to you on the off-chance that we do. My father's name is Phillip King, and, from what I can figure out, he might be your biological father as well. He doesn't know that I'm writing to you, and, though he's curious about you, he's also not very outgoing and probably afraid that you won't want to talk to him..." etc., there was alot more but for the sake of this blog I will cut it short ... So, when I first got this...

So, I am obviously still in "digesting" mode from this last weekend. Every time I share my NAMM experience with people, I tell the story, sometimes two or three experiences, sometimes the whole weekend, sometimes just one thing. And when I recap the stories again, they reveal to me, more and more about my heart and where I am in life right now with work/band/art and spirit. I think the thing that is hitting me today, is how NAMM inspired me. I wasn't really expecting that, at least not expecting it, the way it's manifesting itself. Through the experiences of this last weekend, I wrote more spontaneous poetry (into my iPhone) than I have in the last oh, I don't know, YEARS! And here is the super sad part -- it's not even that much!! (haha!!) But, what I madly scrawled (well, texted) in a busy dank dark restroom and a warm, crowded concert hall may have just lit the fire of my word-smithing more than I realize. Now, I am not satisfied with living without ex...

Sometimes, now more often than others, I entertain the feeling that I am on the verge of something very large, much larger than me. That all these years of working and waiting and praying, seeking and following the dreams -- will soon look like living them. That we will be breathing in a tour bus and European air. That we will smell the dust and dirt and electricity of a stage being set up, that we will sound check and be so loud that our songs will vibrate clothing and skin and the music will be more than just hearing but feeling and seeing, not just for us but for others. That the crowd will roar and deafen even the notes we play ~ that we will be pouring out worship and sweat and tears and melody on stages big and small. That we will live in a strange, gypsy-like community, travelers with music, and minister with action and depth to those that seek to hear, and those who don't. Sometimes I feel like I can reach out and touch it. More and more i feel like that. But along with ...

I celebrated my thirty-third birthday this last Thursday -- that sentence even feels weird to write!! I do not feel that old -- I think numbers at this point are beginning to become relative. I feel like instead of 33 years old, I have just entered into my 33 year of life (ie, NOT old, just life) ... God's been gracious enough to let me continue to learn and grow and know Him and myself better for however long I get. So, in celebratory fashion this weekend Jay and I went to NAMM in Anaheim for the weekend. NAMM is the largest music industry trade show in North America and it's very hard to get in, you literally need to have a "connect" in some way. So, ours this year was Buffalo Bros =) We had arranged with Cedrick to meet on Friday night. He was able to get us into the first big afterparty for the conference~ Dean Guitars @ this giant club in Anaheim called The Grove. We were going to stay the night and take in the conference all day Saturday, then also had an in ...