Ups and Downs

Sometimes, some things are better left unsaid ~ and it is so true that the power of life and death is in the tongue.  Once you open your mouth and utter words, or open something it can be somewhat like Pandora's Box.

I do feel that situation in full force today.  At last I blogged everything was fresh, and I still very much is, but here are the developments from the weekend.  I had sent off an email to Emma (half sister) on Friday, saying that I was still in shock, but very deeply (though somewhat frightened still) want to connect with Phillip (Dad). I told her a bit about myself and gave her the link to our band page ~ and told her if it breaks the ice a little then she could show him that.

All Saturday I waited for a response which ended up coming on Sunday morning.

(I spent Saturday in a haze of emotion and surprisingly anger -- which I realized after talking w/ God and Jay, comes from the fact that my little life has been rattled rather largely and there is no going back, no matter what the outcome might be, things will never be the same and it's out of my control, and it ticks me off)

After I got over that and Sunday came and we spent the day w/ friends and their one-year-old (which totally chilled me out) I got her message in the afternoon. Which was very sweet by all stands but left this big gap: Phillip does not know that we have found you yet. We don't know the best way to tell him but we will keep you in the know.  But I felt reassured that things were going to be o.k.

Today I awoke to this email:

"here's a short to follow the long (I'm sorry I tend to ramble haha, it's something that happens when I'm a bit nervous)
so my Dad sort of freaked out that I made contact
I don't really know his reasoning, but he was upset, and thought I shouldn't have contacted you. from what I know of him, well, he takes things very personally, and is not a very outgoing person, and feels a lot of pressure when things happen that he's not directly in control of.
I'm not sure how long it'll take for him to calm down over this matter (as it's a big one, of course, and I understand that, I'm a lot more like him than he believes), but I'd say contact with him is on a stand-by for now
it is his opinion I shouldn't talk to you at all, and though I'd like to respect a father's wishes, I also feel that it's part of my rights, as well, to get to know my own sister. may I ask, in all serious, as someone who's older and presumably wiser, what is your take on that situation?
hope this isn't a burden to you, thank you"

"Isn't a burden" is a bit of an understatement for me, and the selfish human side of me wants to be incredibly angry, and curl into a ball and cry.  Jay assured me this morning that, just as I "freaked out" on Thursday (which I really did) can you imagine what is going through his mind? All the stuff from the past that will have to resurface.  Jay says it's going to be more healing for him than me prob. and this is God's timing and he will most likely still want to see me.  But my heart sinks for the reality that maybe it was all up to Emma, and not him at all, and maybe he won't want to visit this hurt ... though if he is truly Christian, I think deep down he will.

I don't know what I will do if he doesn't. But I wrote Emma this morning and told her it's a good idea for her to listen to her father right now, that my prayer is that one day we WILL meet, but I'm leaving that in his court. I did give her my contact info (address and email) but it hurts to give this to God ... eventhough I know it's the right thing to do.

I want to know him now, more than ever before.  And if I lose him "again" my heart will be broken ... it is breaking ...

Please pray for him and his family, and me ...

till next blog ~ love a.