Hope and Beyond

There has been a lot of emotion for me the last couple days ~ it's hard to describe to someone who doesn't understand. After finding out that my dad that I've never known, is alive and has been looking for me, and after being found by a half sister -- worlds just are not the same.  The very person who's lack of presence has had a mighty hand in shaping the person that I am, is now is this strange half-shadow that is almost within reach, but still not accessible.

My heart wants to scream sometimes (a messy mixture of fear, frustration and joy) but I know that I need to give him the space that he needs.  It's all so very messy this life, this love.  God has been the only father's love I have known -- but as I believe that God is creating great healing and restoration to my dad's soul and mine as well.

I described this way to a good friend of mine:

It's like your life is this little house, with all these windows letting in light, and you know these windows, some were there and some you’ve built, but they all are letting light into your little life, making bright certain parts about you, who you are, stuff you want to see. And all of a sudden someone has come and punched a hole in one of your walls and now there’s all this extra light coming in, shining itself on stuff that you had buried or decided to let alone and now you are forced, not only to deal with this extra illumination, but also look at this stuff that you had stored away ... It’s beautiful I guess, but also hard and so very strange.
It is such a strange "full circle" moment to think that we both have shaped each other's lives so greatly, without ever knowing each other.  I am still feeling sad for the loss of "normal" life as I knew it, but also hopeful for what will be ~ I believe that we will meet -- though I do not know when. I will continue to hold him in prayer, and also my mother.

Also, I am already getting glimpses of my dad's love for the daughter that he has never known.

Today, I found the song that he had written about me on his Facebook Band page (he does not know that I look there, though I guess maybe he is hoping? or just processing like me) I've listened to it many, many times and just want to cry, yes, yes I understand!! I hope one day I can tell him that in person, before we reach heaven's rest.

Here are the words ~ Till next blog ~
love, a.

THE SEA (by Phillip K.)

What's it like living so far away, do you count all the minutes in the hours in the days till you hear from me?


Do you ever feel alone when you're there on your own and you knowin that there's somebody somewhere who loves you


Will you ever think of me, in your land so wild and free, will your thoughts ever roam from your home down to the sea -- and will Amy understand things just couldn't go as planned, will our lives be separated by the Sea?

When you flew away in your silver white plane well, I looked up high and I ran from the sky, I won't see you again ~ it was then that I died and my spirit just cried and my tortured soul sang rock and roll as I wept for you ~


Will you ever think of me, in your land so wild and free, will your thoughts ever roam from your home down to the sea -- and will Amy understand things just couldn't go as planned, will our lives be separated by the Sea?

Linking today w/ my amazing and beautiful friend Em