This is about the Questions

I know this may sound completely absurd, but I'm wondering now, if I've made a mistake.

I'm running a risk of loosing one of my best clients because (understandably) I won't be so available. The situation is making me think about what I am really getting into, and what I am giving up. Though, at the same time, the more I think about it, the more I know I could not continue the way I was "travelling" in my life, and acheive any soon sense of security or stability. This job gives me both. But is that what life is about?


It makes me wonder too, if God would allow me to walk down a path that isn't right for me ... my answer to that thought is "No, EVERY path in our lives is useful, EVERY path carves us and shapes our character into more of Christ (if we let it) and less of ourselves."


And I wonder what battles lay ahead of me. What I'll miss and grieve leaving behind here. I've been in my own space, in my own four walls for so long, been silent, or been singing -- it's all been up to me. Now, I'm on someone else's clock -- I'm sacrificing my creativity and my freedom for security and advancement. Is that noble? It doesn't sound so. And yet, I doing, what I feel in my heart, needs to be done for our little family now ... in hopes that one day we can actually have a family.

And in the midst of all this, I don't want to forget music. Oh, how I will miss just being able to sit and sing and play guitar or piano and craft words and poetry into a breathing sonic lullabye. I will still make time for that ~ for it's so much of a connection and a release for my heart.


I wrote a song awhile ago in which the lyrics of part of the chorus go:


"They say there's comfort in staying the same, when we really, really, really need to change..."


So, I guess, I hope that is what is set for my life. I hope that this change is good, in the long run, since nothing is ever meant to stay static for long, for it will get covered in dust, soon forgotten.


a.
-- Jay from Sunset a couple nights ago.

-- Laura and I in Orange County a couple weeks ago