An Epiphany
Every morning I try (key word "try") to get up and exercise. I admit, it's been a battle since starting a full time job, since so much of my time is now taken up with other things. It's like the last thing I start to think of is my health.
Anyways, I have started the habit of running, at least 2-3 days a week along the beach in the morning ... and I'm telling you. There is NO better way than to wake up (well, at least for me) when the sky is that dark blue/grey of dawn, before the sun has kissed the clouds with the first hints of morning and go running (I go barefoot) along the flat cool sand of the ocean beach.
My run is about 3.5 miles from start to finish, and by the time I'm done, the sun is up, sparkling and glowing off the houses and water and I feel like the day has "begun". But it's in those early moments. When there seems to be just me, and a lone jogger or random other person with their dog, that I really have been able to let my heart go, seek, and connect with God.
Because, since I started my job, that has been really hard to do too!
This morning I was running, my feet hitting the sand, and a worship song playing in my head from my little iPod shuffle, and I was thinking. Thinking about this life that I have now. Thinking of why on EARTH I have such a strange drive in me to "Do Music", to "Do Something" (anything!) with my life. Why am I so bent on feeling like I've accomplished something or made a mark in this earth before I die? Why? It's really almost to an unhealthy point, and the feelings ebb and flow along with my moods.
I suppose those are questions we often ask ourselves, whether we admit it or not.
So, here is my Epiphany. --- yes, all this IS leading to something ;)
I'm running, thinking, and listening to my music, looking out at the waves, and I ask God (in my head) Why am I so bent on these things? Why do I feel so hopeless like if I do not "Do" something with myself in this time here, I have failed myself and Him.
And do you know what I heard?
A still small voice inside me said (or rather, the impression of the voice said these things, I'm sort of paraphrasing)
"because you think you are not worth anything unless you do something. It is because you struggle with your self-worth, that you struggle with these thoughts."
And to be brutally honest, I was a bit dumbfounded, but at the same time I completely realized how true it was. I realized that i did believe that without these things, these talents I have (or do not have), these things I choose to do (or do not do) that I am worthless.
My head knows this is simply not true, but my heart thinks otherwise.
At the same time all this was floating around in my psyche, I already knew the other half of the equation.
Where are we to seek and find our worth? In HIM. -- He is supposed to be all we need, and our hearts desire.
So, I was left this morning pondering the next question to the equation.
"How do I go about finding my worth In HIM"
... I'm guessing already the answer is simpler and easier to find than I think ... or maybe it's actually way harder ... I'm not sure. But I am looking forward to my next run.
Till Next Blog ~ a.
Anyways, I have started the habit of running, at least 2-3 days a week along the beach in the morning ... and I'm telling you. There is NO better way than to wake up (well, at least for me) when the sky is that dark blue/grey of dawn, before the sun has kissed the clouds with the first hints of morning and go running (I go barefoot) along the flat cool sand of the ocean beach.
My run is about 3.5 miles from start to finish, and by the time I'm done, the sun is up, sparkling and glowing off the houses and water and I feel like the day has "begun". But it's in those early moments. When there seems to be just me, and a lone jogger or random other person with their dog, that I really have been able to let my heart go, seek, and connect with God.
Because, since I started my job, that has been really hard to do too!
This morning I was running, my feet hitting the sand, and a worship song playing in my head from my little iPod shuffle, and I was thinking. Thinking about this life that I have now. Thinking of why on EARTH I have such a strange drive in me to "Do Music", to "Do Something" (anything!) with my life. Why am I so bent on feeling like I've accomplished something or made a mark in this earth before I die? Why? It's really almost to an unhealthy point, and the feelings ebb and flow along with my moods.
I suppose those are questions we often ask ourselves, whether we admit it or not.
So, here is my Epiphany. --- yes, all this IS leading to something ;)
I'm running, thinking, and listening to my music, looking out at the waves, and I ask God (in my head) Why am I so bent on these things? Why do I feel so hopeless like if I do not "Do" something with myself in this time here, I have failed myself and Him.
And do you know what I heard?
A still small voice inside me said (or rather, the impression of the voice said these things, I'm sort of paraphrasing)
"because you think you are not worth anything unless you do something. It is because you struggle with your self-worth, that you struggle with these thoughts."
And to be brutally honest, I was a bit dumbfounded, but at the same time I completely realized how true it was. I realized that i did believe that without these things, these talents I have (or do not have), these things I choose to do (or do not do) that I am worthless.
My head knows this is simply not true, but my heart thinks otherwise.
At the same time all this was floating around in my psyche, I already knew the other half of the equation.
Where are we to seek and find our worth? In HIM. -- He is supposed to be all we need, and our hearts desire.
So, I was left this morning pondering the next question to the equation.
"How do I go about finding my worth In HIM"
... I'm guessing already the answer is simpler and easier to find than I think ... or maybe it's actually way harder ... I'm not sure. But I am looking forward to my next run.
Till Next Blog ~ a.
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