The Outside is only skin deep
Today I am wearing a tailored suit jacket by the designer Jean Paul Gaultier. A french couture designer, this Jacket was made in Italy (so it's bearing patch says on the inside lining). I found this jacket-gem at the consignment store (which if any of you know me, know I refer to it lovingly as "my" consignment store). I haven't been making to many apperances there as of late, since I am trying to curb my shopping habit and my current wardrobe has literally broken my closet (I'm not kidding, Jay fixed it) but I simply cannot pass up a good deal, and this my friends, was a deal of all deals.
The retail sticker price was still hanging in the coat -- a bland testament to it's earthy value and worth -- a white 3" x 1" tag from Barney's New York that reads $1240. I paid $75. Clearly you can see the deal here. The coat is very "Gaultier" by it's tailored cut, impecable lining and interesting european cuts and designer "un-bellishments" (instead of extras it's the simple lines and creative cuts in this coat that make it a couture masterpiece).
So, why am I going off on this jacket? Well, I'm bringing this blog to a point. I mean, there are many that could be made, but here is where I am going with this one. This jacket's "worldly" worth is astronomical for a coat, really, I would NEVER pay that much for a piece of cut-cloth, no matter how designer, which is why I prefer to shop "used" so I can get the stuff that other's have gotten tired of at ridiculous and more down to earth prices.
But, needless to say, this jacket is vey "pretty", almost "haughty" really. But it's just a coat. I can put it on and feel like a million bucks (or at least $1240 ... ) but I am still myself. I am still just a dying body, with all my hopes, fears, insecurities, sins, all packaged nicely into a designer jacket. It looks good, but I am not.
I have been absent from this blog for a while because I've been processing some stuff that's been going on recently. I will attempt to process here and bring this full circle with the jacket ;)
I had an identity once -- I was "the girl without the dad". I suppose in some ways I felt worthless, maybe abandoned, not all completely resulting from the fatherless issue, but it was a part of my fabric. A part of my identity. Come this last January, this part of myself has shifted somewhat. I no longer can sit in myself and claim to be the "girl without the dad" because obvious to the trained eyes, I have one. But here is the tick -- I do not know him, and without going into details, at this point in my story, I'm not sure I ever will really.
In my "blind", but discerning perspective, he seems to be a man that has built some careful walls about his identity, and mine. And as the last three weeks have seen him pulling away from me, maybe from alot of things he just can't face yet, I am left with this. I still do not KNOW my dad. Sure I know About him, but it's a skewed view because it's a very carefully crafted portrait ... the only hiccup is that I am alot wiser than I think he gives me credit (how could he anyways, he doesn't really know me) and thou I am an open book in many senses, others are not. And he is not.
He is pretty on the outside. But, we all are a dying body, with all hopes, fears, insecurities, sins, all packaged nicely, and he is not exception, but none of us are. Just sometimes these things cut deeper than we'd like.
I am left wanting desperately (at times, not caring at others) to take his outsides off, so I can see the real man. There is a part of me I guess that feels like knowing him, and knowing this family that looks like me is a key to my insides, my identity. But what i have learned so far is that thou there is a large, "little girl" part of me that wants to know my dad, have that relationship, have that knight in shining armour -- I cannot. And furthermore, my identity is NOT rooted in that "little girl without a dad" it is so much deeper.
It is rooted in Christ, it needs to be right now, because everything else is broken. And His garments are not thousands of dollars, they are the priceless robes of mercy, compassion, healing and forgiveness. And to continue to walk through this experience, I need to cloth myself with such as these, for no earthly garmet can compare, and will only ever hide what we feel inside. But his are beautifully transparent, for in Him there is no fear, no hiding, only love.
Our outsides ARE only skin deep. Transparency has new meaning. And right now, my Heavenly Father is the one who will never leave me and who still desires to know me, even if my earthly father, right now, cannot.
Till Next Blog ~ love a.
The retail sticker price was still hanging in the coat -- a bland testament to it's earthy value and worth -- a white 3" x 1" tag from Barney's New York that reads $1240. I paid $75. Clearly you can see the deal here. The coat is very "Gaultier" by it's tailored cut, impecable lining and interesting european cuts and designer "un-bellishments" (instead of extras it's the simple lines and creative cuts in this coat that make it a couture masterpiece).
So, why am I going off on this jacket? Well, I'm bringing this blog to a point. I mean, there are many that could be made, but here is where I am going with this one. This jacket's "worldly" worth is astronomical for a coat, really, I would NEVER pay that much for a piece of cut-cloth, no matter how designer, which is why I prefer to shop "used" so I can get the stuff that other's have gotten tired of at ridiculous and more down to earth prices.
But, needless to say, this jacket is vey "pretty", almost "haughty" really. But it's just a coat. I can put it on and feel like a million bucks (or at least $1240 ... ) but I am still myself. I am still just a dying body, with all my hopes, fears, insecurities, sins, all packaged nicely into a designer jacket. It looks good, but I am not.
I have been absent from this blog for a while because I've been processing some stuff that's been going on recently. I will attempt to process here and bring this full circle with the jacket ;)
I had an identity once -- I was "the girl without the dad". I suppose in some ways I felt worthless, maybe abandoned, not all completely resulting from the fatherless issue, but it was a part of my fabric. A part of my identity. Come this last January, this part of myself has shifted somewhat. I no longer can sit in myself and claim to be the "girl without the dad" because obvious to the trained eyes, I have one. But here is the tick -- I do not know him, and without going into details, at this point in my story, I'm not sure I ever will really.
In my "blind", but discerning perspective, he seems to be a man that has built some careful walls about his identity, and mine. And as the last three weeks have seen him pulling away from me, maybe from alot of things he just can't face yet, I am left with this. I still do not KNOW my dad. Sure I know About him, but it's a skewed view because it's a very carefully crafted portrait ... the only hiccup is that I am alot wiser than I think he gives me credit (how could he anyways, he doesn't really know me) and thou I am an open book in many senses, others are not. And he is not.
He is pretty on the outside. But, we all are a dying body, with all hopes, fears, insecurities, sins, all packaged nicely, and he is not exception, but none of us are. Just sometimes these things cut deeper than we'd like.
I am left wanting desperately (at times, not caring at others) to take his outsides off, so I can see the real man. There is a part of me I guess that feels like knowing him, and knowing this family that looks like me is a key to my insides, my identity. But what i have learned so far is that thou there is a large, "little girl" part of me that wants to know my dad, have that relationship, have that knight in shining armour -- I cannot. And furthermore, my identity is NOT rooted in that "little girl without a dad" it is so much deeper.
It is rooted in Christ, it needs to be right now, because everything else is broken. And His garments are not thousands of dollars, they are the priceless robes of mercy, compassion, healing and forgiveness. And to continue to walk through this experience, I need to cloth myself with such as these, for no earthly garmet can compare, and will only ever hide what we feel inside. But his are beautifully transparent, for in Him there is no fear, no hiding, only love.
Our outsides ARE only skin deep. Transparency has new meaning. And right now, my Heavenly Father is the one who will never leave me and who still desires to know me, even if my earthly father, right now, cannot.
Till Next Blog ~ love a.
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