On goes the war paint

I am caught in an interesting point of reflection.  We are playing a show tonight (a very late one at that, so that sucks slightly) so we jammed quick and have come home here to chill before we make the 40 min drive down into San Diego, to the Ruby Room to get on stage at 11:00 pm ... so here i sit, all made up ... with my glitter and boots and heavy eyeliner, in an odd reflection.  

It's times like these I wonder a bit why we are doing this.  Off we go, to another (prob. empty) club, with a small stage, dirty floor and crappy sound system, to bleed our creativity and souls out on the stage and over the floor and hope that it soaks into someone out there ...I wonder sometimes if it will really matter, and what God really thinks of this, does he love me in my war paint that I say I put on for him?  Is it really for him? for His glory? or am I just attaching the name of Jesus to my dreams so that no matter what they are, somehow they seem valid and meaningful?  it's a hard question to ask, hard for me to write too ... but I keep clinging to the words spoken into my life, years ago - "You have a big job to do".   Am I still doing this job? "You must step out in faith like you never have before...", am I still stepping out? Is this what it is? is there more? less? 

I was walking on the beach this Christmas Day, praying over things and those words floated through my thoughts, like waves of translucent memories, and I heard, clear but soft, cutting through the fog -- like a sword of sorts "will you stand for me?".

So now I suppose I sound crazy, but I did hear it, almost like it was my own thoughts, but I'm not smart enough or motivated quite right to phrase it like that.  I knew it was the Lord.  And I thought to myself -- " I want to, I want to stand for you, with all that I am, I want to stand ... but the dirty truth of the matter is, I don't know that I will ... Peter denied three times, and that was when the wood was green! Now it is dry—for centuries—and I just want to be able to say I served and loved with all my heart, soul, mind and strength. But I am human, and in my manishness, I fail, I fall, and I need to seek forgiveness for those things, contantly.

And what that looks like, to really stand for Christ, I think I will work on for the rest of my life here.

I'm not sure what this point of this post is, except that I want to bring you into my world for a bit.  I do believe in our music, our mission with this band, but I believe in God first, so I'm just seeking to be diligent and humble and a true follower of Christ.

So that one day I can stand.

Till Next Blog~ love, a.