Onions and the Daniel Fast
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| Photo © James David Phenicle |
Such has been my experience this time 'round on the fast.
The fast came w/ the usual rocky first couple of days, no coffee, no tea ... no "comforts" of food, but I do feel like every time I do this discipline the food thing gets easier. After a couple days I feel pretty centered, I feel like I could devour the word and I feel much more able to discern what God is speaking through the scripture and bible reading. I also feel a lot more "raw" (for lack of a better word). It's kind of like everything is heightened, magnified. So, joyful times are sweet, stressful times are tough, and anger is a wild animal unleashing itself. I don't really know why this is, but that is definitely one of the things I noticed this time through.
I did have a couple specific things I was praying about which I won't go into detail, but I have gained peace and clarity about those. I also discovered something very significant about myself ... or rather, God peeled back the layer I was hiding it behind and was like "Hey, I see this in your heart, do you?"
Pride.
At first it was pride at work -- and don't get me wrong, there is "taking pride" in your work, which I think is healthy, and then there is PRIDE. Thinking you are better than. Exalting yourself so you will be noticed over and above those you work with. For me it was as simple as realizing that I really wanted others to know I was better than my supervisor. That I had better ideas, that I was more of a model employee, that I was, well, better. I got mad and irritated when her ideas were lauded over mine, because in my "humble" opinion, mine, of course, were better. Regardless of whether they actually were (or are) better than hers or not, I realized that it was a thorn, that was curling my heart into this little knot of pride that was affecting how I treated her, and in turn, not allowing me to treat her as a child of God.
Learning that hurt, but that was almost just a foreshadow of what else God would show me.
Becuase, ok, cool, I need to not be prideful at work, submit to her authority and learn to love her again. Put a cap on my talents there and just do the best I can and know that the work I do is adored by ONE and that's all that matters.
The other large and significant moment came last night. Jay and I went to a party for a distributor that will be supplying Guitars to BBros now, and Jay was to make a show for BBros but also for our good friends (our California parents, Bardy and Rene, who we stayed with when we first came here to California). We were supposed to play a couple songs (well, one or two depending) to show "off" the guitars and we were bringing friends who also played so all in all a fun evening planned. Jay mentioned that there would be film crews there capturing stuff for the guitar co. and I went into my "sweeteverafter getting ready" mode.
I primped, warmed up my voice and got all excited inside about the prospect of finally getting some much needed video for our acoustic stuff.
We arrived (trying to abreviate this a bit now, sorry this is so long) and the night was good. Jay played a couple songs w/ our good friend Jerry and then I went up. The moment I went up I noticed the video guy who was there filming Jerry and Jay had dissapeared, immediately I was worried (first clue), we wouldn't be taped (already stupid). We played our one Sweeteverafter song, through which I forgot one verse (humbling a bit). But no one knew anyways, so it was no worries. But after we finished the one song, that was it. Immediately, I felt ripped off ... I wanted to sing again, they even asked us to sing again, but Jay said no, we had to go. I felt like I wanted to redeem my screw up and show everyone how good I was, as in, "yea, but you don't understand, I have a gift that needs to be heard". But there was no chance ... after about 5 mins I realized how ridiculous my feelings were. Why on EARTH was I sooo incredibly upset about this ... this missing my chance for "glory" at a house party of all things, even as I type it sounds absurd. But like I said in the beginning, everything for me on this fast has this heightened awareness quality. Maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know. But I wanted to write all this down, because I am still digesting I guess, the revelation that I'm pretty prideful. There are times when I want it to be about me. About our music for the sake of our talent, not for the sake of the message.
You cannot pursue God as a sidebar. You cannot write the songs with Christ being only the pleasant message woven inbetween your amazing voice or intricate and breath-taking music.
You need to start with Christ. He is the cornerstone because nothing else will stand. I don't know how I will try to do this more in my life. I've prayed and asked forgiveness and asked to be cleansed but I don't really know how to go from here changed.
I guess realizing you are lost is the first step in being found (that's from church this morning). So I need to lay my pride at His feet, ask forgiveness and trust that He knows what's best for me. He will open doors or close them. And the harder I might try to "achieve" something in this world for myself, the further I will push myself from the Father. And that's the last thing I desire. I need to pursue music, life and people, doing the best I can and know that the work I do is adored by ONE and that's all that matters.
I'm going to leave you, dear reader with this. Today at church we sang the song "Flowing River", and the lyrics hit me in a different way. This is my prayer today. Thank you for reading such a long and windy post =)
Till Next Blog ~ love a.
Pour your Holy Spirit upon me
Let your Presence fill me up
Make my life a Flowing River
of your everlasting Love
Like a living stream
Flowing from your Mighty Ocean
--- Purify in me, my desire and my devotion
Make my life a flowing river, of your everlasting love.
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