Coveting, contentment and my first mid life crisis ...

I took this shot this morning on my run ... thought it was kind of appropriate for this post ... life is always a journey ... always running I guess. Running against time, running for reasons, rebellion, whatever it seems, we are always on the run.  I've recently began running again and I didn't think too much of it at first. I used to run all the time at our old beach pad, mainly because the ocean was right there and it was so beautiful, reflective and peaceful.  But I stopped when we moved, a) because there are too many freakin' hills in our neighborhood and it makes it that much tougher to run, and b) it's not particularly beautiful, I mean some places are (see photo) but generally, it's running on roads etc. morning traffic, really not very relaxing.

But I decided about 2 weeks ago, I needed to start again. Needed to challenge myself, again.  I like running really, and around here it feels like I'm accomplishing something, what with all the inclines etc.  So it feels good, but that's not what this post is about (well, I guess it will be in a round-a-bout kind of way).

I was convicted last week of something pretty major. Don't get me wrong, I've been convicted about it before, I've prob's even blogged about it before, but I've been trying to silence that little nag for quite a while and last week I decided, enough, I had gotten sick of myself.

See, I like to shop, and I like to thrift shop, and consignment shop, and oh my goodness, internet shopping, don't even get me started. Our society has made consumerism (among many other things) waaaaay to easy to indulge in. I don't spend more than I have, I don't have that kind of problem, but I do have a lot of STUFF.  A lot of clothes, a lot of shoes — and this society is teaching me that that's o.k. until of course I lack the capacity to find something in my closet because I can't see the clothes through the blouses and skirts and pants and ... you get the idea.  I realized that during the day when I am on the computer, easily 9 hrs of the day, it's high season for an easy distraction through a website to oogle clothes, shoes, the latest this or that. And I realized that this, this incessant shopping and "browsing" online, was essentially (for me) coveting.  Let's face it. You're constantly looking at stuff ... for stuff, that you don't have, and seeing what you want next.

The definition of coveting is "to wish, long, or crave for something, esp the property of another person (insert shop or company for this instance)". So what's my first battle?  I need to stop the shop.  I need to learn the art of contentment.

Now contentment—I know I've blogged about this before.  I think we all struggle with this in one way or another, but for me, right now, it means I need to look at what I have, right now, and just live with it. Be content. Be content with stuff, with possession, with profession. With whatever it is that God's given into my hands at the present.  But contentment for me is a tough one. I'm such a "do-er" all the time I'm always finding the need to do something else ... here's where the running and mid life crisis comes in, and here I'll prob. digress a bit.

When I started running again two weeks ago, I kind of obsessed a bit about it, I started logging my miles, researching online and actually thought that maybe i could enroll in a half marathon, I mean I think I could do it, if I put my mind to it, but it's another thing to DO and I don't really need another thing to do right now ... then I got all on this tangent about my work and how it's super dead end and though I'm grateful for the paycheck (I am), there's GOT to be MORE to life than THIS?! (enter mid life crisis).

In season where pretty much ALL of my friends are having kids (onto their second's, thirds and so-forths).  Here I am, half-way through 35, prob. nearing at least half of my life here on earth, and I have no kids, a dead-end job, and I'm (selfishly) wondering what happened to my "dreams".  You see, I think I was at the head of the generation who was in-indoctrinated (and still is) with the whole "you have a purpose, you have a dream, go grab the world by the tail and pull it into your pocket! You can do ANYTHING! you can Change LIVES! etc, etc, etc.  But when you're about 15 years past that, doing the same thing, you start to wonder, am I really?  Is this really what this looks like? Am I so scared that I'm going to miss out on my "dream" that I put off things that could be fulfilling them? 

All I have is a closet full of nice clothes and a home full of dreams I'm scared are turning stale because of my daily grind. I'm "doing", but am I doing the right things? And when does comfort become the prison that keeps us on the grinding wheel, far away from what we should really be pursuing?

You see, I thought I knew what my dreams where, but now I feel like I don't really know anymore ... but the thought of not having any, scares me more than anything. I have art, I have music, I have hope in the Lord, I have a great husband and a lovely home, but what is missing because I am not content? Sometimes we just need to jump, but I don't know that I can afford that.

And so, I just keep running.  But please, I pray, I need to keep dreaming.

Till Next Blog ~ love, a.