Father's Day
I don't really like Father's Day. it's a day that reminds me I don't have one.
it's a day that shoves "daddy-daughter" images of piggy backs, and first dances, bed-time stories and "the best man in the world" images at me, and shows me how much I am missing because my Dad is a no-show. Because my Dad decided he couldn't deal with me. Because my dad, long ago, and also in recent memory has created a daughter that he could deal with in his mind -- one that will always think he's the bomb -- so that the real flesh and blood version wouldn't hurt his feelings anymore than they already are when she realizes that he's grossly inadequate to be a dad (in his mind).
in my life I was "rejected" by my dad twice. once when I was a baby, and once when I was a woman, (who felt like a little girl every time he would call.)In finding, and losing, my dad I got to experience the joy of finally having that "best man in the world" only to find the image melting down around me before I even had a chance to see my resemblance.
I've never met my Dad. I most likely never will and I was very angry about that for a long time. But this last January something clicked for me .... something that still needs to be clicked Every time I see a "daddy-daughter" dance.
I have another Father -- a heavenly one. When I made the decision 16 years ago to love Jesus for real, I knew I had found a father-- allbeit a mysterious one. I didn't understand the holes he would fill... but he did. He came and loved my insecurities, encouraged me in my dreams, man, he GAVE me dreams I didn't even know i had! I felt his love and peace and in that moment, He was my dad.
a couple years ago, my birth dad found me and we were able to talk and (for him) reconcile much of the hurt, the dirty past, many questions were "answered", but the honeymoon was very short lived. I experienced about 4 months of having a rather loving, yet unstable, unavailable, dishonest dad. I hated it.
I was very hurt. Very dis-illusioned and I needed my Heavenly Father to be my dad in a whole new way. I wanted my anger with how my dad treated me to be my marker, to be my "mission" and my "testimony" about how hurt I was ... but there was no healing there, I was watering the thorns.
in January I heard from God very clearly . He took me away (literally, to Dallas) and in my heart, he took me to a place where I could actually hear him. And his words to me were "stop watering the thorns, are you going to be ok with being grafted into my family?"
I do not have an earthly dad, and I never really will, ( i have men who are amazing friends and who are father figures to me, for which i am so ever thankful!) and I do have a Heavenly Father who's love for me has never changed. I am part of his family, because I was cut off from my own, and he is using that "cut" to make me more his.
I am still learning to live with that. I still feel pangs of pressure and sadness when I see "daddy-daughter" in my face. But I am remembering now what Gods promised me through my experience, and that's more than enough for me.
Happy Father's Day, Dad, wherever you are. Till Next Blog -- love a.
it's a day that shoves "daddy-daughter" images of piggy backs, and first dances, bed-time stories and "the best man in the world" images at me, and shows me how much I am missing because my Dad is a no-show. Because my Dad decided he couldn't deal with me. Because my dad, long ago, and also in recent memory has created a daughter that he could deal with in his mind -- one that will always think he's the bomb -- so that the real flesh and blood version wouldn't hurt his feelings anymore than they already are when she realizes that he's grossly inadequate to be a dad (in his mind).
in my life I was "rejected" by my dad twice. once when I was a baby, and once when I was a woman, (who felt like a little girl every time he would call.)In finding, and losing, my dad I got to experience the joy of finally having that "best man in the world" only to find the image melting down around me before I even had a chance to see my resemblance.
I've never met my Dad. I most likely never will and I was very angry about that for a long time. But this last January something clicked for me .... something that still needs to be clicked Every time I see a "daddy-daughter" dance.
I have another Father -- a heavenly one. When I made the decision 16 years ago to love Jesus for real, I knew I had found a father-- allbeit a mysterious one. I didn't understand the holes he would fill... but he did. He came and loved my insecurities, encouraged me in my dreams, man, he GAVE me dreams I didn't even know i had! I felt his love and peace and in that moment, He was my dad.
a couple years ago, my birth dad found me and we were able to talk and (for him) reconcile much of the hurt, the dirty past, many questions were "answered", but the honeymoon was very short lived. I experienced about 4 months of having a rather loving, yet unstable, unavailable, dishonest dad. I hated it.
I was very hurt. Very dis-illusioned and I needed my Heavenly Father to be my dad in a whole new way. I wanted my anger with how my dad treated me to be my marker, to be my "mission" and my "testimony" about how hurt I was ... but there was no healing there, I was watering the thorns.
in January I heard from God very clearly . He took me away (literally, to Dallas) and in my heart, he took me to a place where I could actually hear him. And his words to me were "stop watering the thorns, are you going to be ok with being grafted into my family?"
I do not have an earthly dad, and I never really will, ( i have men who are amazing friends and who are father figures to me, for which i am so ever thankful!) and I do have a Heavenly Father who's love for me has never changed. I am part of his family, because I was cut off from my own, and he is using that "cut" to make me more his.
I am still learning to live with that. I still feel pangs of pressure and sadness when I see "daddy-daughter" in my face. But I am remembering now what Gods promised me through my experience, and that's more than enough for me.
Happy Father's Day, Dad, wherever you are. Till Next Blog -- love a.
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