A new song and my annual Christmas Letter to my Father ...

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As some of you may know — or not — I am embarking on a journey to do my own music project. I have no goals or aspirations with it except to craft the songs from my heart and make them available for sonic consumption.   I have wrestled with the "purpose" or  theme for the effort for some time, years actually because in the beginning I wanted the album to be about my dad, or for my dad, or a slap in the face of my Dad, etc., etc, and I finally came to the realization that it doesn't have to be about him at all. His choices have shaped me some, but I don't need to sit in that puddle of mud anymore and so began a "re-drafting" of my project.

Since coming back from Dallas almost a year ago (!!) from a life-changing experience thanks to Rita Springer and her DIVE School, I have also been steadily journaling and writing, and becoming a better songwriter I would like to think ... or at least more practiced, and hey, practice can only make better, right?

So, on this eve of the eve of Christmas I wanted to share a little peak of the music I've been writing. This above video is from Friday when Jay helped me record the demo tracks for this song ... I'm not sure if I'm allowed but I feel like I've fallen in love with this song, there's something about it, I can't stop listening to it. Anways, enjoy ... and here is my Christmas letter ...

Till Next Blog ~ love a.

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Peace ~

Dear Dad,

I think you would be proud of me this year. 

I was very angry and hurt in the beginning of the year (as referenced from last year's Christmas letter) but through the amazingly beautiful process of healing from the Lord, I am learning to let go. Learning to be grafted into the family of God.  Learning how to be loved by my heavenly father in absence of my earthy one.

I had to travel to Dallas to what I thought was only going to be a songwriting/worship bootcamp to realize that I needed to let you go, and let go of all the hurt I was carrying, and when I came back it's been a year of letting that wound slowly heal. Sure it's been bumped a couple times, but everytime it does, I feel like it gets easier to move on. I am finally having peace.

So, this peace in my heart leaves room for songs, as I'm sure the "un-peacefulness" of other stuff does not for you. I don't know where you are.  I don't know what you're doing. Everyonce-in-a-while you'll randomly email me and then my heart hurts a bit, again.  But again, I let go. Because it's all I can do. 

If 2013 was a year of "letting go" then maybe 2014 is a year of finally grabbing hold of my destiny. My calling has been crafted and drafted and maybe now is the time to reach out. With a steady hand and a peace-filled heart.  Only hope can continue to push us on, and I need that. A fresh glimpse of hope to burden me forward.

I had a profound revelation a couple weeks ago, at a healing service of all things (and a funny aside, I wasn't even there for "healing" persay, just there to say hi to some good friends who were leading there). It was right at the beginning of the set, I don't even remember what song we were singing, but I had this thought all of a sudden... it was like the Lord was speaking right to me and I heard

"I made your earthly father the way he is, because I wanted to be your dad."

It hit me like a ton, right on my heart.  My heavenly father, stood from heaven and loved, loves ME enough that HE wants to be my dad ... not my "heavenly-replacement" dad, but the real deal. through and through. That truth has begun to mend me.

I'm sorry dad, that this life has been unfair for you, and I'm sure it has, and you have your hurts and your justifications, and I still pray for you, and maybe one day we WILL meet, but until then I'm choosing peace over pain. Thank you for letting me go.

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May the peace that surpasses ALL understanding give you abundant joy this Christmas season!
love, a.



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