South Carolina Day Five — Complicated Story

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 Today I felt sad. 

I had a dream directly before I awoke. It was about my dad, and in the dream he (my dad) was holding his dad ( who looked either asleep or dead) in his arms, like you would hold someone you are comforting. I just remember the two, and I had the thought “we still always are holding onto our dads”. I don’t think the dream was for him, rather, I think it’s for me. I am still holding my dad. I am trying to get to know him, but I still have him placed on a pedestal. 

I cried multiple times today. The tears came on suddenly, and felt uncontrollable and then seemed to vanish as soon as they came. I found myself trying to figure out why I am grieving. This grief is so strange, it’s’ so buried, it sneaks out when it has the chance. 

One of the things I’ve most wanted to do here is play music with my dad. He hurt himself somehow on the first day and still seems to be in a considerable amount of pain. He has told me he wants to give me a guitar, although I don’t believe him…I keep looking for the undercurrent in his words. The “I’m saying this, but I really mean this”. I don’t think it’s right, but I don’t know anything else. How to make sense of this all.

I feel like there is no time left. There is one (and a half) more days.

I want so much to play music with him. I hope we can tomorrow. I did help him at the end of the day pull a PILE of gear out of his van and into the studio. Everything seems so excessive. So many amps so many guitars and cables. All I want it to sit down with a guitar with him and sing some worship songs or maybe even write something. 

I saw fireflies tonight for the first time and it was magical. It made my day actually, such curious wonder and excitement to see them flash and flit about in the yard. 

So, my visit is beginning to come to a close. It has been good, and I feel so much sadness. I want to stay and yet I want to leave. I want to draw close and I want to push away. I want to be seen, and I want to dissapear. Dear Lord help me.

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